Thursday, September 8, 2011

Our Maid of Orleans Makes an Appearance on Cracked.com!

#3. Joan of Arc, the Siege of Orleans

Via Wikipedia
The Situation:
Prior to her arrival at the Siege of Orleans during the Hundred Years' War, the Maid of Orleans Joan of Arc dictated a message for the English to let them know what they were in for. The letter from Joan to the Duke of Bedford, leader of the opposing forces, reads like a curious mix of flowery ranting and religious zeal. That is, right up until the end -- where Joan suddenly gets down to business:
Via Wikimedia Commons
Creepy face and all.
The Quote:
"The Maid and her soldiers will have the victory. Therefore the Maid is willing that you, Duke of Bedford, should not destroy yourself."
Note how smoothly she enters Captain America mode, using her code name for effect while delivering her enemy matter-of-fact statements about certain defeat.
Via Wikimedia Commons
"The Maid is about to pop your siege cherry."
The Aftermath:
Alas, the duke, he did not listen. And whether or not Joan was schooled in warfare by the same archangel who uppercutted Lucifer to the Pit, she and her troops were the battlefield equivalent of the Konami Code, tearing the English new ones in more places than syphilis in one of the most decisive battles of all time.
Via Wikimedia Commons
Mostly because they were all ridiculously huge.

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